Santa's Going Ham

I was at work today and stumbled upon the official Norad Santa tracker... Check him out, he's getting it in http://www.noradsanta.org/

I Just Had Sex

Exciting news, It would appear there is a new Lonely Island Cd coming out soon... This is the video for the first single... Enjoy :-)

Bread Porn

Too Funny Not To Post

2 Things All Women Must Know

So after hearing from many of my women friends, I had to post a public service announcement for the benefit of all... So to all y'all women out there I'ma let ya in on a lil' secret, there are 2 things that you absolutely need to be aware of

1. The upstanding men you're looking for but never can seem to find not only exist, but are easily accessible. The problem is you spend so much time searching for this perfect guy, that you overlook all the good ones seemingly right infront of your face. Oh and once you find that guy you think is great, you string him around is some bizarre ritual to make him "prove his merit"... Fail

2. All of you women out there who are constantly stressing are what to get your man for Christmas/Birthdays you are making this way too dificult. You already know what your man wants, it's simple take the thing that he likes to do that you absolutely hate and get him something along those lines... You hate how your man plays soooo many video games? Get him the latest one. You hate how your guy spends hours watching football on sundays? Get him a TV or a jersey or something football related. Your man keeps wearing that same hoodie that is starting to get torn up and such and it drives you crazy? Get him one exactly like it possibly in a different color... I know you're thinking "Ian, I hate these things, why would I feed into the the things that drive me crazy". That is a good question... you do it because you are giving the gift, not recieving it, and it's not really about what you hate. The reason why we do these things although we know it gives you grey hairs is cause we like them and it'd be nice to recieve a gift that we're gonna like, not one that you'll like for us.

Now I know some of yall are gonna read this and think it's about you, and truth be told you'll be partially right. I just figured I would share the advice with everyone

The $1200 Paperweight

So I was out in places I shouldn't have been, doin' things I shouldn't have been doin' and this was the result. I almost cried a lil' :-( I guess thats what I get :-(

Super Saiyan Ian

Joell Ortiz In This Bitch

So I know I've been posting alot of music and youtube lately, but this caught video caught my eye due to it's simple but creative approach

Melz Words Of Wisdom

This is a public service announcement brought to you by the fine folks at Unholy Cumulus... Talk to em Melz!

"So I saw this commercial the other day for the SHAKE-WEIGHT, and I've decieded anytime I guy uses that he's gotta say "No Homo" after that. It can't be just a pause, you gotta straight up drop a "No Homo" - Jamel

Short Bus Shorty

So as I've been known to do, I've decied to drop some internet humor from over the summer, thanks to the homeboy J-No. So I now present "Short Bus Shorty"

Song Of The Week

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lti4NuvMsck&feature=related

I had to post this because this is really how I'm feeling right now... I love me some Royce... Pause

Saggin' Outta Control

So just when I thought my life was too boring to continue blogging, some ass clown decides to randomly run up on me, and away we goooo....

- So I'm heading into King Soopers today to pick up some light lemonade (those of you who know me, know how I need to have my light lemonade) while talking to my Dad... When all of the sudden this 45ish year old guy rolls up on me and says "PULL UP YOUR PANTS!"... First off, I'm talking to my dad and I'm not tryin' to act a fool, so I just ignore home skillet and continue on my way. However, this is my life we're talking about so of course the dude, un-flapped by the fact I'm obviously ignoring him follows me around the store telling me to pull up my pants... Now I'm tryin' just tune this clown out, but then he taps me on the shoulder and gets all in my face, like "Son, I said, pull up your pants!" I damn near lost it... I"m sure the look on my face was probably priceless... I was like "listen here pimpin', first of I'm not your your damn son so slow your roll, second off why are you all up on me? I'm not messing with you, so why are you harassing me? I'd really rather not have a confrontation at the super market so just back the hell up off me" So long story short dude starts causing a scene that gets him removed from the premises, but I forget my dad is on the phone listening to this whole thing, and it's hilarious because I hear him like "Boy, don't be getting into no damn trouble!" SMH... I can tell I'm gonna have some adventures in Summit County.

Body Marked Up Finale

Ian's Diction Dictionary

So it's time again for Ian's Diction Dictionary. Due the increasing frequency of people asking me what the hell I'm sayin' when I use this phase, todays entry from the Diction Dictionary is "Goin' Ham"

"Goin' Ham" - from the dictionary definition of ham, meaning to act with exaggerated expression of emotion; overacting. Goin' Ham is an expression used when someone is doin' something to the extreme - the Made popular by Roscoe Dash,

Ex. - We went ham at the bar last night
- Man he was goin' ham on those hot wings

Similer phrases "Gettin' it in" "Goin' hard in the paint"

Ian TV

In this episode of Ian TV: Stumbling around downtown after finding a cowboy hat

Body Marked Up Pt. 4

Body Marked Up Pt. 3

Body Marked Up Pt. 2

The robot penguin has been brought to life!

Teach Me How To Dougie

In this episode of Ian TV: Melz shows us why, "you ain't fuckin' with his Dougie"

Body Marked Up

So I've officially started my sleeve and as you can tell it's gonna be epic... Shots out to Chris Fuller, for making my dream a reality

Eat At Joe's

I just wanted to take a second to talk about the dopest place one could possible eat. I wanted to write a long ass blog post about how much I love this place and how you need to eat there twice a day, but I'm feeling kinda lazy so I'll just say "Eat At Joes" and leave it at that

The Tallest of Tees

Sometimes I just like to post random things. This shirt makes my brother look like a little kid lol. Big ups to the XL tall tee

Bounced!

Something happened last night that can only be defined as tragic. So we went to the club last night and were standing in line waiting to get in. As usual we stood outside people watching and boy were there all kinds of belligerents and bow-wows wandering around. Anyway we finally get to the front of the line and of course we have to get patted down to get in... No biggie right? WRONG!!! I've been patted down before at clubs, sporting events, airports, you name it, but never with the the vigor and spunk of the bouncer at this particular club. It starts out as the normal "Put out your arms out" Type of pat down-simple enough... Here's where it goes horribly wrong. After patting me down all normal. The bouncer proceeds to go all G.I. Joe on my junk. I'm talking Kung-Fu action grip!!! Now I want to say that's the end of the story... Nope! So after being molested I turn around to go in the club when the bouncer grabs me by the shoulder and hit's me with the "Hold up playboy" and pats me down again :-(. Kung-Fu action grip the sequel. Sad times. I wanna tell you this bouncer was an extremely hot chick or I'd even settle for an extremely non-hot chick, but as you can probably guess it was a Brolic ass dude!!! Straight Brolic. Then of course I go into the club and ask Tony & Shannon if the bouncer got all handsy with them and they just laughed at me... Again, sad times...

The Hair "L"

I've officially lost the battle. What battle you ask? The battle that had been waged between me and my hairline :-( I realized that it was an unwinable situation, but I thought I would be able to rock the shadow fade past 27, however it just wasn't meant to be. That being said I said I would never keep a less than dope haircut so I'm shaving it all off. Now I just have to figure out my facial hair game...

High Times

So right now I'm surrounded by irony so thick I felt compelled to comment on it. So as you know today is 420. Well as most people are celebrating the marvels of marijuana, I am... that's right you guest it... taking a drug test. You gotta love it, not only am I not smoking (everyone knows I don't smoke), but I'm taking a test that proves that I'm not smoking... priceless. It always trips me out how crazy strict those places are, "wash your hands before you pee, with no soap", "make sure you don't flush the toilet", "fill it to the line, but not a drop over", I know they have to make sure you don't "cheat", but it's a lil outta control.

Let The Voyage Begin

So my brothers debut CD "Voyager" dropped today and you can find it on his website www.zachkarl.com, as well as Amazon.com and itunes.

Butternut Reduction

One of the classic funny ass things off all time, check out "Butternut Reduction"
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/1287849/akon_calls_t_pain/

That's It That's All

An unfortunate result of giving someone their just due is that it often comes at the cost of hating on someone else. So the past 2 days I've heard nothing but "isn't Shaun White the coldest snowboarder ever?" The answer is "No"... Don't get me wrong, he is an absolute beast in the pipe, which is the most visible and televised aspect of snowboarding, thus makes him the undisputed poster child of snowboarding, but there people out there doing even more ridiculous things in the parks and back country shoots worldwide. The recognized best snowboarder in the world is by most accounts... drum roll... A guy by the name of Travis Rice. I could go into all the reasons why he is so dope, at the risk of sounding like a groupie I'll spare you the details, just check out "That's It That's All" or go look him up... Kid is the truth

Laughing Pants

I'm not sure if the site is even worth going to, but their logo is all kinds of awesome. If you don't like laughing your pants off, then well something is wrong with you

Love Is Indeed For Suckers

So I didn't wanna post anything today that would be construed as bitter, and since the post on "The Unattended" has been delayed due to an "I don't wanna get fired" scenario, I decided to share this story... So today I was wearin the t-shirt posted above as I was cruising around the Penny (Copper Mountain for you squares out there) and I stopped into guest services where I had to take care of some business. Now I was wearing my employee badge since it is also my season pass so I can ride the lifts... So the lady sees my shirt and with genuine concern says "That shirt is inappropriate, you shouldn't be wearing that on Valentines day." I didn't want to start anything over something so small, so I smiled and said "I'm sorry to offend you mam" and threw my jacket on so she wasn't forced to read my "offensive" shirt... She then told the guest services manager on me. Can you believe that? Love really must be for suckers!

Kickin' The Boot!

Sometimes I just like to post things that I find particularly dope like these limited edition Danny Kass Zoom Force 1 snowboarding boots... Just look at them they are sooo fresh, they have a douple tongue and only 400 pairs of them were made... Nuff said

Return Of The Dragon

I hate that I'm giving this much space on my blog to my ongoing battle with the folks at the Imperial Dragon, but they are just so haterous that I just can't help myself. So I went back in there the other day because I was jonesing for Chinese food, so much so that I overlooked the lady that hit me with the fried chicken blast last time I was in there, and as well as the fact that their food isn't really that good. This time there were thankfully no stereo types, but two things stuck out to make this a less than favorable experience... 1st I was unable to get fried rice with no vegatables. Apparently it comes pre packaged with vegatables, promting me to ask "how hard is to make fried rice without the prepackaging?" I feel like thats one of the essental dishes to be able to make at a chinese food establishment and if I'm going to spend $8.50 on it after my employee discount, I should be able to get it without veggies. Anyway after being perplexed for a couple minutes I go ahead and suck it up and order some (fried rice) in addition to some sesame chicken. Now for second issure, I ordered this for take out and it takes 30 mins!!! which is the longest I've ever waited inside a chinese food place for an order, but I figure they must be busy so whateves, but what happens next really chaffs my hide. So I get the the ticket for my food and as I'm signing the credit card slip the lady is hovering over me watching me sign it like a student trying to cheat on a math test... I'm thinking "LADY, BACK THE FUCK UP OFF ME!" Now i've gone over my tipping policy in the past, which explains why I did not leave a tip. When the lady sees this she proceeds to chase me down and inform me that I did not leave a tip. I couldn't believe she would have to guall to ask for a tip! It was outrageous... 1st off, even with the employee discount I spent $20 bucks on food that I could have gotten for less than $15 anywhere else, 2nd I couldn't even get my order the way I wanted it (sans veggies) and 3rd I had to come in and get it, because they don't deliever. What about that is tip worthy? I felt compelled to let her know this and she then actually reached in my bag and took away my fortune cookie!!! Couldn't believe it... Needless to say the Imperial Palace is dead to me

Song Of The Week

So the song of the week (A.K.A. Song that's been stuck in my head, and played most on my ipod)this week is "Popular Demand (Popeyes)" by Clipse Feat. Cam'ron off the album "Til' The Casket Drops" enjoy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_vrzuh0xKU&sns=em

Toast!!!

You know my rhymes rock from coast to coast...
Chicks dig me, cause my skin's the color of toast

Hiatus/Squad Up!

So I'm aware of the fact that I've been on hiatus, which is actually pretty unacceptable seeing as how I keep badgering people to read the blog and become a follower. I got a little complacent as a result of people not reading the blog... That being said, I'm back on track. Now back to business



Today is the first ever blog post from my phone (Yeah now I can blog from anywhere!!! Including shortly after crazy events happen). The reason for the movement to the phone blogging is because my computer is hanging out with the Geek Squad :-(. Now at first I wasn't gonna rant about my Geek Squad experience, but I've decided that I know more than 70% of the people that work there. I always wonder why they have to wipe my hard drive and do a system recovery to solve problems...

A processor fan is broken? - Replace the hard drive

Usb port is broken? - Replace the hard drive

Power Supply is broken? - Replace the hard drive

Cracked Screen? - Replace the hard drive

Now I know a lot is related to your hard drive, but man they love to replace it even when it isn't neccessary which is just plain annoying, I don't wanna have to do a system restore and reload all my bootlegged software just because you replaced a key on my keyboard.

The "X" Man

I would like to make this post all kinds of detailed and awesome, but truth be told it was so crazy that I can't really go into all the details about what happened (Meaning I don't remember them all lol). But these things I know to be true... Lesbians love Holden, they thought was super fresh cause he matched from head to toe (that jacket was pretty dope)... Warm Jager on a cold night goes a long way... Sometimes ya gotta make out with a girl if ya want to get your goggles back... Eating a whole box of granola at 3 in the morning sounds like a great idea at the time... There are a lot of beautiful girls in Aspen... Oh and a broken face is the cost of shit talking... Anyway just know ya boy had and excellent time in Aspen with the boy Holden

Sham-Whoa

This is a quickie that my Dad brought up they other day "When you're watching infomercials, have you ever wondered why they will throw in the second (insert product here) for free, as long as you pay shipping and handling? I mean why can't they put it in the same box as they put the first one? And why the hell does the sham-wow guy rock goofy ass headset... It's 2010,, they make blu-tooth headsets so small they can fall in your ear canal, and they got my man Vince rocking the headset from the rhytmn nation video... SMH

We Do Chicken Right... My Ass!

So last night me and Travis are cruisin' around looking for something to eat. Now there aren't a whole lot of quick food options in summit county and even less so at the Penny, so we are really strugglin' when Travis suggests KFC. In true stereotypical fashion, I says "I fucks with some chicken." The thing is I've never really fucked with KFC, I'm more of a Popeyes man myself. Travis assures me that the KFC back in Nebraska was his joint. So I'm thinking fine I'm hungry so lets go check it out... Mistake!!! that shit is the McDonalds of chicken. I was shocked and amazed that they can call that place a chicken join. Where do I begin? Lets start with this half assed mac and cheese. I don't think I've ever seen such a pathetic attempt in my life, I mean how do you fuck up Mac and Cheese? By definition you take some Macaroni and mix it with some cheese, doesn't sound too difficult to master, but what they put in that bowl certainly wasn't cheesy and even if it was I don't think those water logged lumps of whatever that was, would classify as noodles. Needless to say after taking one look into that bowl I was already skeptical as to what the rest of my meal was gonna be like. On to the barbecue beef sandwich thingy... Now I know you're thinking "Ian what the hell are you doing ordering barbecue beef anything from a chick joint?" to that I say good point, but the lady taking our order said it was delicious, plus it was only a dollar so I said why not? Yet another terrible decision... It was a glorified quesadilla, which raises the question why do they serve anything that resembles a quesadilla at KFC especially a quesadilla that doesn't have chicken? Travis seeing my discontent with this experience says "Dude you gotta try the potatoes, they will change your mind" Surprisingly no complaints about the mashed potatoes, they're weren't spectacular, but they weren't bad and the gravy is actually pretty good, but on to the main thing that KFC claims to do right... The chicken. I got the barbecue wing meal and all I gotta say is that I want my money back... The barbecue sauce was lumpy... have you ever had lumpy barbecue sauce? How does that even work? Barbecue sauce is supposed to be smmoooooth. Plus those wings might as well have come from a rat, cause I can't with a good conscious call that chicken, and to top it all off my chicken didn't even come with a biscuit. What kinda shit is that? No biscuit? Isn't that part of the chicken experience, in fact I didn't know it was possible to get chicken without a biscuit... That shit is criminal. Don't even get me started on the fact you can get a bowl with mashed potatoes covered in corn, with popcorn chicken, and shredded Mexican cheese on top... How did I not know this place was so triple U? I felt like I was being punked and that Travis was gonna tell me that he was in cahoots with A. Koutcher. Life certainly does not taste better with KFC!

Hustler Of The Week

I must say, the good folks at Safeway are some hustlers. Everytime I go in there I always seem to spend more than I entended, because they are experts at pimping people into buying more groceries than they need, especialy with the "coupons" and "special savings". One such instance of the hustler's spirit coming to fruition happened just recently when I was at safeway buying some supplies, I thought a box of Wheat thins sounded delicious so I grabbed a box...Here's where the trickery begins... So one box is $2.74 but it's also 2 for $4, but wait that's not all, if you bought 5, it was only $5... So it's a no brainer right, I mean who buys something for $274 when they can buy it for $1? The thing is what am I gonna do with 5 boxes of wheat thins, you can only have so many cracker based snacks, not enough to warrent 5 boxes of wheat thins. Score one for Safeway! Atleast at King Soopers you can still get the discount if you buy one smh... Safeway, I present you with the hustler of the week award!

In The End There Can Be Only One

So last night I had a conversation in which Travis dropped the quote of year to this point...

Me - " You know based on the ratio in here, the odds of getting with that girl are like 50 to 1... You could be that one"

Travis - "Yes, and I'm almost certain there will be a 1"

- Classic

Slap-Band Fever

So the subject of cheesy pick up lines came up the other day, reminding me of the funniest pick up line/game in recent memory... Me, Mark, Tyler, and Natasha were at the CU Wyoming game earlier in the season, and Natasha comes back from the concessions line or the bathroom or whatever and is like "Check out this wristband that this guy gave me!" So we look at it and it's one of those wrist bands that you slap on and it wraps around your arm... This is where it turns into spitting game gone wrong. I haven't seen one of those slap bands in since i was I dunno like 12 so I'm like "Yo that band is fiyah let me see it." and when she takes it off we notice that on the inside it says "Call me" and has a name and phone number! I almost fell off the stands with laughter... I mean on one hand it's prolly the most original thing I can think of, but come on really, thats what the game has evolved into? The slap band pick-up? He might as well have gave her a beaded necklace with his digits... Oh wait he prolly retired that swag and moved on to biger and better things like the finger trap pick up or something... Man 'O man SMH

Song Of The Day

I'ma keep this post brief so I can head to bed, but here the song of the moment right now, it's "Shake This" by Royce Da 5' 9...

"I Gotta shake this weak shit off me, to keep shit off me, and leave it in the streets like, trick get off me!!!